Well, if we’re being honest, this is probably also the Last Annual Cheeseburger Tournament – it’s not like rosters turn over every year. But hey, it’s bye week, so let’s have some fun! Most are probably aware by now, but if you’re not… The connection between the cheeseburger and bye weeks came to be thanks to the inestimable Charlie Weis. Weis once lamented that an idle Florida team passed a victorious Notre Dame team in the polls while sitting at home “eating cheeseburgers.” And a legend was born…
In celebration of the 2017 bye week, when the Irish should benefit from a cheeseburger or two, we held a staff voting tournament of 16 randomly carefully selected “teams.” Naturally, our voting was free of preconceptions and/or regional bias. Naturally. The descriptions here are, uh, lightly dramatized versions of how the voting actually went.
Also, on an actual football note, we do have a bye week channel set up in Slack for anyone who would like to chat about the weekend’s games.
Round of 16
In the Southwest regional, overall #1 seed In-N-Out made quick work of White Castle, the lowest overall seed in the tourney; they’ll try to shed that notorious Crave Sack smell before the regional final. Sonic was game but couldn’t overtake Shake Shack, who will meet In-N-Out in the next round.
In the Northeast regional, top-seeded Five Guys easily dispatched the feel good story of the tournament, Arby’s, who somehow made it in despite not even selling burgers. Old guard stalwart Burger King fell to Culver’s in the biggest upset of the first round.
In the Midwest regional, McDonald’s continued the theme of #1-seed domination by destroying Southern standard Krystal. Hardee’s lost to Whataburger in a mild upset; they were caught gawking at the cheerleaders as Whataburger got an uncontested lay-in for the win. Typical Hardee’s.
In the South regional, Wendy’s completed the #1 seed sweep by mopping the floor with Dairy Queen (yes, they sell burgers, but stick with the ice cream). Steak ‘n’ Shake knocked off the “other” California standard in the tournament, Jack in the Box. At least Jack in the Box will always have the memory of Larry David walking through the drive-thru.
Regional Finals
In-N-Out continued their hot play with an utter destruction of Shake Shack, whose shakes couldn’t balance out the shack. Wendy’s rolled over Steak ‘n’ Shake and then burned them on Twitter repeatedly. That crazy little redhead… Much to the chagrin of many Midwesterners, Five Guys ended Culver’s Cinderella story in humiliating fashion. Lone Star State standard Whataburger scored a major upset, thrashing blue blood McDonald’s.
The Cheesy Final Four
In-N-Out met their first real test of the tournament, as Wendy’s pushed them much harder than any observers not named Dave Thomas expected. On the other side, Five Guys shut out Whataburger in a thunderous display of dominance. Since the preseason, everyone had two teams tabbed as eventual title game participants. The road to this point had a few more twists than we thought it would, but those same two teams made it.
America hasn’t seen an East Coast-West Coast battle of such epic proportions since Biggie vs. Tupac, and this matchup lived up to that hype. In-N-Out took an early lead, but as the combatants settled in Five Guys started to gain momentum. In dramatic fourth quarter action, Five Guys pulled ahead late for the upset win and claimed the 18 Stripes Cheeseburger Tourney crown.
Enjoy the weekend’s games with your own favorite cheeseburgers! And Go Irish!
The Final Bracket
And in none-cheeseburger-world…CHAOS!
Calling McDonald’s a blue-blood is like saying Rutgers is a CFB power because they played in the first football game. The only people who think McDonald’s is “good” are people without taste buds. Convenient? Sure. Cheap? Maybe. Available just about anywhere and so many people buy it? Yup. But….”good”?
I like Wendy’s well enough, but they’re clearly the weakest in their bracket. Steak N Shake would roll them.
Should have had White Castle and Krystal play in the “disgustingly steamed square little nasty burgers 16th-seed play-in game” to open a spot for Smashburger.
Shake Shack is better than In-N-Out. Don’t @ me.
crack is whack…lay off the pipe nd09hls
Shake Shack missing out on a #1 seed is a travesty.
Totally agreed. The obvious and only reasonable championship matchup here is Shake Shack and Five Guys. They’re Alabama and Clemson from the last couple years, and everyone else is playing for #3 and #4.
Look, if you want to make the argument that In-N-Out is a better value than Shake Shack because a meal there is like 1/3 or more cheaper, that’s fine. But stating that In-N-Out is straight-up better than Shake Shack is loud wrong.
I’ve never even heard of Shake Shack until this post came out so I have no comment on your position. But I will echo(and take the whippings of the downvotes) to once again call out In-N-Out for being a complete garbage burger. Even a joint I’ve never heard of I’d vote for over it
I agree for sure. And I live in the town where Five Guys was started, I’ve had it for the last 20+ years and maybe it’s just me but I think it’s a little over-rated. I would take Shake Shack all day as the true #1.
i don’t see how anyone on the Five Guys side of the bracket deserves to even be on the same court as Steak n Shake and In n Out. SnS getting upset by Wendy’s was a shocker, but those two are simply in a class above the rest.
Some of those restaurants must’ve gotten automatic bids from a really bad conference.
I would have liked to see a Hardee’s vs Carl’s Jr. matchup.
Great matchup, such similar rosters.
But which one is the President of the Virgin Islands?
Phenomenal matchup. Would very much like to see the ADs get together to make it happen.
I’m here for two things.
1) Five Guys has the best burger
2) Wendy’s has the best all-around fast food, not really close IMO.
Murtagh is like the coach in the college polls who votes without watching the games.
How dare you.
Agree, but having had Wendy’s and INOB recently, Wendy’s burger just taste better. Which is kind of important. Historically BKs flame broiled burgers were the best but they’ve fallen off. Come at the king you best not miss.
Debatable on best burger, but the point about Wendy’s is indisputable.
It wasn’t clear, so what were the criteria for these matchups? If it was straight-up “who has a better tasting burger,” then I have some serious concerns about the makers of this bracket.
If we’re talking non-burgers, Sonic owns that debate hands down. Hell, they could win on shakes and drinks ALONE in that battle. Then if you add coneys, chili cheese tots, and breakfast it’s a beat down
Oh yeah? Do they have frozen custard, cheese curds and homemade root beer? Y’all are playing remedial cheeseburgers if you’re not eating Culver’s.
(Culver’s only negative is they have crinkle cut fries, which are only more out-sucked by steak fries.)
I have never heard of Culvers. What is it? where is it?
Not 100% certain of their origin story, but started in Wisconsin and has grown all over the Midwest. Known for their “butter burgers,” so that tells you almost everything you need to know.
(Jumped on their website and they have locations in Dallas, Houston-ish, Austin and San Antonio.)
I know from personal artery-busting experience that they also have some locations on the Gulf Coast of Florida… which, presumably, are catering to the (many) Midwestern retirees there.
Yeah, I see one in The Colony that is not terribly far. Looking at photos, though, I think they need to be thrown out for the same reason 5 guys should. It’s not a fast food joint. You have to go in and sit down. You can’t compare gourmet and fast food burger joints in the same poll.
They have a drive thru and one can order at the counter and get it to go! Man, your exegesis is moronic!
Who has a drive thru? 5 guys? Not any of the ones I’ve ever been to. They’re all in a shopping center and you have to walk in.
Culver’s does.
You may be right, I’ve never been there. I’d not heard of it till before now. Just going off pictures of the one in The Colony from Google, so…
Are you driving down to Houston this weekend or flying? You’ll pass two different Culver’s franchises just before you hit town, one on the north side of Conroe and one just above The Woodlands.
I’m not saying that you need to bring butter burgers and cheese curds to the party, but I’m not saying you don’t, either.
Hint taken. Although the hockey game is at 1:20, so they might get cold if I do that.
I am right, thank you.
I’ve never been in a 5 Guys where you sit down and order. They’re all counters, man.
Also, does Cookout deserve a play-in here? Has anyone else been to one in the NC/VA region, because I’m pretty sure they’re not widespread outside of that.
Oh h*ck yes. But, if I may, while Cookout is very good (and they’re also all over in SC, GA, TN and I think other places in the south), since this is just a burger competition that might drop them a little. Their burgers are worthy to be in the tournament though, for sure. But I think the best part about them is the value, BBQ, hushpuppies, etc put them over the top overall as a great place to grab some greasy fast food.
The Sonic hate is strong around here.
Yeah, no. This is a sham. Whataburger is the Alabama of fast food hamburgers. Five Guys shouldnt even qualify because they dont have a drive thru. In-N-Out is total trash…just a patty with some mustard on a bun. Most overrated food I’ve ever eaten in my life.
Whataburger shows up with a Patty Melt and drops the mic. No one else can compete with that. If they TRY, all Whataburger has to do is whip out their 24-hour menu and plop their Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit, Chorizo taquito, or anything with Whataburger ketchup and it’s a late game butt kicking.
I do miss Whataburger…
Feel like Clearwall’s last 2 posts are violating someone’s Terms of Service and he should immediately be forced to move to North Dakota.
That looks like a Frisco Melt that Steak N Shake threw out.
🚨🚨HOT TAKE ALERT!!!🚨🚨
Melts aren’t burgers, they’re melts.
Ha – I knew you’d come hard in defense of Whataburger. Well done.
Don’t mess with Texas, you know.
I agree with all of this, other than Arby’s being the feel-good story of anything.
“Hey Kirk! We’re going to fish the dead possum out of the swimming pool. What should we do with it?”
“Just throw it over the fence. Let Arby’s worry about it!”
My favorite quote from Star Trek IV.
Arby’s shouldn’t even be in a bracket for fast-foot roast-beef restaurants. Maybe Cheker’s/Rally’s would have been a better competitor? Arby’s inclusion is like the #10 seed in the SWAC somehow winning the conference tourney and making it to the NCAA Tournament with an 11-18 record.
i think you’re seeing them as something they’re not. Arby’s roast beef are the American version of gyros.
No, they’re the forerunner of 15 mins on the toilet.
Never had that experience with Arby’s.
Oooh seconded on Checkers/Rallys. Not that they’re great burgers, but for some reason I LOVE them (and the fries) and feel compelled to get one every so often.
Don’t know that I can remember ever eating their burgers, but yes, the fries are pretty dope.
Checkers/Rallys are the ship, as is arbys. If arbys sends you to to the toilet, then I recommend you stop being such a pansy. Man the F up and don’t tolerate any whining from your GI system. The Arbys hate here is unconscionable. Hashtag keeping it one hundred
Do you know why the Arby’s hate is so strong?
IT’S NOT A BURGER PLACE!!!!
Hear anyone on here clamoring that KFC should have had more consideration?
Hey, why not throw Taco Bell into the mix? They have exactly the same number of burgers on their menu as Arby’s.
(Also, Arby’s is gross.)
When’s the last time any of you even ate a Dairy Queen burger? I’d take it over Wendy’s straight up.
A couple years ago. There are no more DQs with or without a Brazier in my town. DQ burgers never came close to Wendy’s though…they were like the small crusty burgers grilled at a cookout by a drunken uncle who couldn’t cook even when sober. They had good fries though.
That’s not my experience of DQ burgers here in Indiana. Very juicy. Thick patties. I do love their fries as well.
Just in the last few years though? Decades ago DQ burgers in Indiana were the same as i experienced in California, but a few years ago the company nearly went under. Maybe they came back with a better menu?
The DQ mushroom swiss is a real cornerstone of the hot eats. Good and messy.
Bye weeks are much less stressful when everyone is debating what week the DC will get fired.
I feel like someone might get banned because of this cheeseburger debate.
I propose that for next year’s bye week, you do a full tournament, with voting for matchups day by day. Day 1: Round of 32, 16 matchups. Day 2, Sweet 16, 8 matchups. Day 3, Elite 8 4 matchups. Day 4, Final 4, 2 matchups. Last day of bye week is the final. Just to the above, in the comments we’ve added Hardees/Carl’s Jr., Smashburger, Checker’s/Rally’s, Cook Out. That’s 4 (6?) more. To that I’m sure as a nationally spread out group we can add more. 30 Burger, for one. I’d say Friendly’s, but that’s primarily a sit down place–though I suppose it counts since so is Steak N Shake, but at both you can order at a counter. Bobby’s Burger Palace (counter order). I’m sure people can think of others, but if we can’t get to 32, then you could have a few play-in games to fill out the 16 (and get that Krystal and White Castle garbage out of the main tournament).
Edit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hamburger_restaurants Start here!!
Let’s get this out of the way first: Five Guys has the best burger, hands down. Having said that, I truly feel that the Burger King Whopper is getting some serious lack of respect here. Thoughts?
Thoughts?
In reference to the BK issue.
You seriously don’t like a big, greasy whopper? There’s nothing better for a hangover. Trust me.