Back on May 20th there were numerous reports that the NBA is in discussions with Orlando about re-starting their season while possibly housing players and their franchise staff within the confines of Walt Disney World. It would be an unprecedented move for professional sports in North America and would include the ability to navigate numerous tricky situations involved with the COVID-19 pandemic.

One of the major hurdles is figuring out where the NBA will stay and how to pull off such an intricate gameplan. With some deep connections and a few phone calls I was able to obtain a copy of the planned accommodations for each team.

Kissimmee KOA
Minnesota Timberwolves

The Wolves have to stay off property. Way, way off property. So far away there might actually be wolves that show up in the air conditioned tents the team has to set up. Wait a minute, nope owner Glen Taylor just nixed the air conditioning.

Margaritaville Orlando
Sacramento Kings

The Kings are just happy to be here honestly. Kick back, relax, and enjoy your time until you clinch yet another lottery pick.

TBD
Charlotte Hornets

The NBA actually forgot the Hornets were still in the league. As if Michael Jordan needed another grudge.

All-Star Movies
Phoenix Suns

The Suns will be placed here with the ability to watch movies of other NBA teams and what it’s like to actually make the playoffs.

Holiday Inn Orlando
Atlanta Hawks

The staff here are already joking that Trae Young isn’t a NBA player and only plays one on TV.

Courtyard by Marriott Lake Buena Vista
Cleveland Cavaliers

Could be worse, Cavs.

As a recent champion, Cleveland was lucky to get one of the nicer non-Disney properties.

All-Star Sports
Chicago Bulls

The Bulls are booked here as there are two separate Michael Jordan posters throughout the resort.

Saratoga Springs
New York Knicks

James Dolan lobbied for a more high-profile hotel. It did not work out.

Art of Animation
Washington Wizards

This resort has a surprisingly passionate staff (fans) but no one ever wants to stay (play) here (for the Wizards).

Coronado Springs
San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs felt right at home here where no one will judge you for not being relevant anymore.

All-Star Music
Detroit Pistons

Adam Silver heard this resort plays quite a bit of Motown.

Campsites at Fort Wilderness
Memphis Grizzlies

Definitely no bears.

The NBA has guaranteed there are no bears on site. Definitely no bears that will eat Ja Morant.

Old Key West
Portland Trail Blazers

Just a super chill vibe for Damian Lillard to lay down his latest diss tracks for the league’s enjoyment.

Pop Century
Orlando Magic

The Magic figured as the hometown team they’d be given one of the premier hotels. They are an 8th seed right now in the playoff hunt, too! This is pure disrespect.

Bay Lake Tower
Golden State Warriors

Despite the league’s worst record a dark cabal of investors led by owner Joe Lacob were able to grease the wheels and secure this modern hotel.

Walt Disney World Swan & Dolphin
Houston Rockets and Oklahoma City Thunder

No one wants the Swan.

The Rockets and Thunder were stuck in these non-Disney owned hotels opposite each other. However, there’s currently a hold up as Chris Paul and James Harden have been arguing about which team gets to be in the Dolphin. The league has called in Jake from State Farm to mediate.

Port Orleans Riverside
New Orleans Pelicans

In a bit of a smack in the face, the Pelicans do not get placed in the French Quarter. Remember, this is the NBA where you have to pay your dues first. Also, the Riverside is slightly further away from the dining options at Disney Springs and New Orleans desperately needs Zion to stick to the nutrition plan back at the cafeteria.

Riviera
Indiana Pacers

In a desperate attempt to be made to feel special as the heartland of basketball the Pacers were given the newest Disney resort.

Dirk’s Digs
Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban actually built his own hotel for the Mavericks to stay in during the summer.

BoardWalk Inn
Brooklyn Nets

In an effort to mimic Coney Island the Nets were placed here which is a smart move as it also allows Kyrie Irving the platform to talk his nonsensical ramblings to other players on the boardwalk as well as give Kevin Durant the opportunity to passive aggressively tweet about what other players are doing from his view across Crescent Lake.

Port Orleans French Quarter
Utah Jazz

Finally, the Jazz return to their rightful place and original home. We’ll be able to see Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell working through their issues as the team takes breaks on the Sassagoula River Ferry Boats.

Polynesian Village
Miami Heat

The Heat demanded a tropical oasis to feel at home for the summer. However, much to Pat Riley’s chagrin the players are already working on setting up a night club on the resort’s eastern side.

The Cabins at Fort Wilderness
Denver Nuggets

While Memphis was placed in the campsites here, the Nuggets get the newer cabins. Which works out well for Denver because Nikola Jokic’s wouldn’t be able to walk if he was forced to sleep on the hard ground in a tent.

The Contemporary
Philadelphia 76ers

It’s only appropriate that the Sixers are booked for one of the old mainstays of the Disney grounds, which like Joel Embid’s body, is always perilously close to breaking down.

Grand Floridian
Boston Celtics

Can’t beat old money.

Originally, Disney’s flagship resort was due for another NBA team higher up in the standings but the Celtics threw an absolute fit about history and tradition.

Animal Kingdom Lodge
Toronto Raptors

Where else could Toronto build its own Jurassic Park?

Yacht and Beach Club
Lakers and Clippers

It’s only fitting that the Lakers and Clippers will share the opposite ends of the same resort.

Wilderness Lodge
Milwaukee Bucks

The league’s top team will be able to soak in what many consider the best resort at Disney World. In order to get back in game shape Giannis will be showing off as he reaches the top of the resort’s 7-story totem poles inside the lobby.